misty water colored memories

I brought up G, my long distance very complicated fake boyfriend, in an earlier post. I thought I would share with everyone the story of how we met. The first day of school of my freshman year of college, some of the girls in the dorm were invited to a party some guys were having that night. Obviously after 3 days of orientation bonding experiences I was already best friends with these girls, so I went to the party with them. And there was G. I was attracted to him immediately, even though he is kinda goofy looking. We started talking and he got my phone number. The next day I called my best friend from high school and told her I had met the man I was going to marry.

So a few days later, the first friday of the first week of classes, there's always a huge beginning of the year party. The freshman are always warned against going because you could get in trouble for being underage or worse - most freshman end up drinking too much and bad things happen. Obviously, my friends were all about the party. So G called me and we met up. And i was one of those freshman who didn't know my alcohol limits, so most of the night is pretty fuzzy. Until G kissed me. And then I puked on him. He was really sweet and took care of me, but I swore up and down that I was never going to see him ever again. So much for that theory, huh?

Never Date a Man Who: Wears His Sunglasses at Night

You know the guy I'm talking about. The one who walks into the party with a bottle of Jack in one hand, shirttail half tucked in, and wearing aviators. This just screams douchebag. Look at me. I'm cool. I'm wearing my sunglasses inside and at night. I don't care about the conventional usage of sunglasses. I'm above the rules. I'm the life of the party; I drink a lot. I can bang any chick up in this crib. Newsflash: No you're not and No you can't. The guy who wears his sunglasses at night thinks that this somehow makes him look like he cares LESS, but it only makes us think you care too much. While I do want a guy who can keep up with my friends by shooting beers and throwing back shots (this is harder than you might think. my friends are all borderline alkies) but I don't want a guy who feels the need to be "that guy." In other words, I'm not going to date a giant douche.

Unlikely Celebrity Sex Symbols

In one of our many why-we-aren't-in-relationships conversations, R and I started talking about our childhood celebrity crushes. When I was growing up, most girls my age were into Prince William, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, New Kids on the Block, Zack Morris, Leo DiCaprio, N Sync, and the list goes on. Some of my friends were mature enough to find George Clooney and Tom Cruise appealing. But not me. When I was in 5th grade and we would have sleepovers, I would pretend that my boyfriend was Jim Carrey. I can't really explain the attraction. He's really funny and good-looking (?). Dumb and Dumber is still my all time favorite movie. There was just something about him. R didn't back me up on my love for Jim. But interestingly enough, she was attracted to Mike O'Malley from GUTS. Did ANYONE find Mike O'Malley attractive? I think she even watched whatever sitcom he was on recently because she STILL thought he was cute. Jim Carrey and Mike O'Malley made us wonder if our celebrity crushes had any deeper psychological value as to why we're perpetually single. But then we stopped thinking and went to a bar. Until ---

R had a sex dream about an unlikely man. Neil Patrick Harris, of How I Met Your Mother and Doogie Howser fame. It didn't seem that weird at first since we're fans of HIMYM. But this was a really dirty dream. And then about a week later, an article in People Magazine ran were Neil Patrick Harris declared that he was a "proud, gay man." Only the sex dreams didn't stop there. R has had multiple dreams about this man. And from I understand, the dreams are pretty good. The latest celebrity that I want to pillage me is Vampire Bill from True Blood. Damn he's sexy. I would totally let him bite me. So do any of you have sex dreams about celebrities who aren't exactly sex symbol status? Is this normal?

Where the F*ck is There?

So i was talking to a friend the other day who has extremely poor luck with men. Basically she is 23 years old, and has never kissed a boy. She isnt in some weird religion, or 300lbs and she doesnt have any deformities. She is the kind of girl that teenage boys would ignore when we were 14, but also would never make fun of. She's absolutely 100% normal. okay maybe not "normal" but there's nothing so repulsive about her to prevent a guy from being interested. So whats the problem?!?!?!
People say "you have to put yourself out there" But quite frankly, that is the most unhelpful fucking annoying advice. WHERE IS THERE? Where is this magical land of single people where are the wonderful men are lurking? I mean that bullshit logic goes right along with "it will happen when you least expect it!" The type of advice given by those friends who are serial monogomists. sigh. Anyone who says to put yourself out there is ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP. but you ask them how they did it, it never involves this mythical "there." The person who gives this advice probably started dating their husband at 16 and were married at 22. I can't exactly go back to high school to meet a guy. And what is with all the mixed messages. Put yourself out there seems to contradict it will happen when you least expect it. How am I supposed to go about living my life not expecting to meet someone but simultaneously be present "out there" to meet this person i am not expecting to meet. I should probably just say "fuck it" and stop talking about my lack of a relationship to my happiliy committed friends. They obviously have some quality that I do not yet possess. I have personally made peace with my singledom and am currently enjoying the adventure of being young and single. But my dear poor friend has hit a road block. And since i am not qualified to offer anyone tips on men.... i just offer her another glass of wine and hope that someday, she'll drink enough that she grabs the closest male and takes control.