This is what we talk about on a regular basis....

So tonight M and i were having a talk on the ever popular gchat. And i thought it would only be appropriate to show you a little glimpse of who we are.

M: i dont mind having sex with him but i'm still on the fence about pretending to like the other stuff

R: at least it isnt huge

M: yeah i hope it's not teeny though

R: to be honest... smaller is WAY better for the blow job i mean ... if it was only like an inch.. that would be a BREEZE like a lifesaver candy or something but i think G- is average.. to be honest i give him 5.5 " which by the way... at the risk of sounding creepy.. you have to tell me a size estimate when you get back

M: hahahah i will try to give a size estimate i think he'll be average. not super small. but smallER. i just dont know how to handle it

R: ha hahaha... you will be fine, L always says, sex is like pizza... even when its bad, its still good

M: but girls dont have to be "good" i dont think

R: we dont... i talked to w and he was like... lay there you will be fine - we dont expect a porn star hah hahaa.. in fact 2 guys were talking about this last night they were like.... everytime you get a new piece of pussy it is the best because it is new

M: weird and gross at the same time

R: and you are just so happy they wanted to sleep with you and you re having sex... i think its really strange

M: so guys just want to have sex with you and hopefully you feel something too?

R: but it validates that we can be terrible... and we are by default fine... they were like.... to be honest.. we really are just so happy you let us have sex with you - isnt that sad?!?!?!

M: that's so sad... guys are pathetic... is that why the really pathetic ones keep girlfriends?

R: probably... no! there was an ugly kid in our class and he broke up with his girlfriend and he was like... she was so dumb, so we asked why he dated her... and he was like...."i liked having sex" sooo.... yeah

M: so they date girls to keep having sex if they think they cant get it elsewhere or dont want to put effort into finding it

R: with the most attactive women they think they can get .... which is why i am only going to date men over 30

M: hahahahhahaha

R: i need to have the young card to up my hotness with my age

M: you are the best they can get

R: exactly! because i am young enough to just be hot by being younger than all their friends girls ha haha so they will be like... she may have a big ass.. but it's higher than my friend's girlfriend

strategy and it will be true FOREVER

M: i like where your head is

R: im a thinker im telling you... the older you can stand them.... the better

M: it's just hard to get to know the older ones well enough to like them....i'm still not physically old enough yet hahahhaha i mean i'm still not physically attracted to the older ones yet

And that is why we dont get a second date.... i mean really though... i think all of that is completely valid logic!!! Thoughts? Are we anywhere on target??

The Top 5 Creepiest Pick Up Lines!

Sometimes it's not about the men we're attracted to - it's about the men attracted to us. I take full responsibility for being a dumbass with men. But there are times when we've been hit on where we did absolutely nothing wrong. Here is a compilation of the top 5 worst pick-up lines used on us. All of these really did happen. We couldn't make up gold like this.

5. "If you come to Michigan with me, I'll buy all of your alcohol" That one made me wonder if i actually look like an alcoholic. "

4. "I like your breasts, you keep them up well!" - He was 40. Evidentally men think we love our breasts as much as they do.

3. "I've been watching you for a few days now." Now if that doesn't frighten you i dont know what would!!!!

2. "We should breed and form a master race" I just laughed and asked Why?!?! I guess i was his type!
1. ""Will you come to the bathroom with me so I can masturbate to your boobs?"- What would you do if i said yes?
What is the worst pickup line YOU'VE ever heard used!?

Unlikely Celebrity Sex Symbols

In one of our many why-we-aren't-in-relationships conversations, R and I started talking about our childhood celebrity crushes. When I was growing up, most girls my age were into Prince William, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, New Kids on the Block, Zack Morris, Leo DiCaprio, N Sync, and the list goes on. Some of my friends were mature enough to find George Clooney and Tom Cruise appealing. But not me. When I was in 5th grade and we would have sleepovers, I would pretend that my boyfriend was Jim Carrey. I can't really explain the attraction. He's really funny and good-looking (?). Dumb and Dumber is still my all time favorite movie. There was just something about him. R didn't back me up on my love for Jim. But interestingly enough, she was attracted to Mike O'Malley from GUTS. Did ANYONE find Mike O'Malley attractive? I think she even watched whatever sitcom he was on recently because she STILL thought he was cute. Jim Carrey and Mike O'Malley made us wonder if our celebrity crushes had any deeper psychological value as to why we're perpetually single. But then we stopped thinking and went to a bar. Until ---

R had a sex dream about an unlikely man. Neil Patrick Harris, of How I Met Your Mother and Doogie Howser fame. It didn't seem that weird at first since we're fans of HIMYM. But this was a really dirty dream. And then about a week later, an article in People Magazine ran were Neil Patrick Harris declared that he was a "proud, gay man." Only the sex dreams didn't stop there. R has had multiple dreams about this man. And from I understand, the dreams are pretty good. The latest celebrity that I want to pillage me is Vampire Bill from True Blood. Damn he's sexy. I would totally let him bite me. So do any of you have sex dreams about celebrities who aren't exactly sex symbol status? Is this normal?

Where the F*ck is There?

So i was talking to a friend the other day who has extremely poor luck with men. Basically she is 23 years old, and has never kissed a boy. She isnt in some weird religion, or 300lbs and she doesnt have any deformities. She is the kind of girl that teenage boys would ignore when we were 14, but also would never make fun of. She's absolutely 100% normal. okay maybe not "normal" but there's nothing so repulsive about her to prevent a guy from being interested. So whats the problem?!?!?!
People say "you have to put yourself out there" But quite frankly, that is the most unhelpful fucking annoying advice. WHERE IS THERE? Where is this magical land of single people where are the wonderful men are lurking? I mean that bullshit logic goes right along with "it will happen when you least expect it!" The type of advice given by those friends who are serial monogomists. sigh. Anyone who says to put yourself out there is ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP. but you ask them how they did it, it never involves this mythical "there." The person who gives this advice probably started dating their husband at 16 and were married at 22. I can't exactly go back to high school to meet a guy. And what is with all the mixed messages. Put yourself out there seems to contradict it will happen when you least expect it. How am I supposed to go about living my life not expecting to meet someone but simultaneously be present "out there" to meet this person i am not expecting to meet. I should probably just say "fuck it" and stop talking about my lack of a relationship to my happiliy committed friends. They obviously have some quality that I do not yet possess. I have personally made peace with my singledom and am currently enjoying the adventure of being young and single. But my dear poor friend has hit a road block. And since i am not qualified to offer anyone tips on men.... i just offer her another glass of wine and hope that someday, she'll drink enough that she grabs the closest male and takes control.